Closing Statement

I’ve presented my case

Now it’s in your hands to have the final say on my fate

As I lay here in this hospital bed I am in a coma though my soul is overseeing it all

Sitting here on a cloud with the number nine carved into it

Pleading with the Lord

Asking him to stop going through the pages of my life with red ink

I know that I should’ve done more

I am aware that I had great potential inside of me but kept pushing it down because I was scared to step into the light

If you let me come back from the dead this time it will be different

What about my son?

He’s still a child I have so much more to teach him

If nothing else I could tell him about all my transgressions so he knows to not follow the same path of his dear ol’ dad

Father knows best my ass

Oh sorry, forgot I was sitting here with you Father

Speaking of fathers why did you have to make my biological one who he was?

I never walked a day in his shoes but I feel as if I am able to judge him in some way

Yes I am a lair, a cheat and have been known to be a junkie in certain circles

But at least I never walked away from my own

Don’t look at me like that please

You know I never imagined that you would disapprove of my life as a whole like this

Have I shamed you that much?

Do you wish you never created me?

Am I the fallen angel who haunts you?

Wings are given at birth it is up the wearer to keep them intact so that when they are called home to be with the King of Kings

As the feathers began to shed many years ago I ignored them and continued on with my foolish ways

Dirty deeds

Secret sin

Should’ve known better than to try and hide anything from you right?

So what’s the end game here?

Am I done?

Should I stop wasting my breath?

He looks at me

Shakes his head

Then says, “You bring up good points and I’ve blessed you to be a thinker besides death would be an easy answer to this solution…you have been granted a stay of execution”

- S. Logan

2012

Atonement

As the church bells ring
I exit my car
Parked in the closes spot I could fine
Though as my steps begin to fall in line, I notice the walk is actually quiet far
Lord I know I’ve sinned and You’ve forgiven me every time
I walk into Your house and feel like an outsider
As if I don’t belong
The congregation has all eyes firmly planted on me
Sentiment is that I don’t belong
We’ve all sinned or at least I thought we did
Guess this is a house full of saints and the sinner stands alone

-S. Logan
2012

Burial

You took all the burdens of our sins

Died so we could live

The ultimate sacrifice

It is a shame for so long that I looked at life as the process of dying

When I should’ve been enjoying it

Loving it

Praising You for it…

On this day when You were resurrected

We make sure to not lose sight of the life You gave for us

A day that it seems has been clouded with the almighty dollar

I stand as a loyal servant in Your army Lord

I crusade for you

-S. Logan

2012

Vow

Some call it destroy and rebuild

I prefer to say that I am reorganizing my life

May not be the person you used to know

But I am well on the way to becoming the man I am meant to be

Pardon me if I don’t associate with you anymore

It’s for the best that we keep our distance

You’re living off the success of the past, My spirit is a like a 401k I’m investing for the future

You talking about the bad chicks you hit in high school, I’m talking about being celibate until I marry my wife

You stay worrying about breaking the sound barrier, I’m training for life’s marathon

I don’t fault you too much

I used to be like you

The only difference is that I got my stuff together now

My life was once in a pieces then God handed me the glue

Selah

-          S. Logan

2012

Darkness

I go back into the dark corners of my mind

Reflect on how my soul wasn’t always tarnished and stripped of its luster

Once it was golden…..the shine was unlike anything you would’ve ever seen

Maybe I was naïve then

Living in my own world and not pay attention to real life

Asleep at the wheel

Mind is numb from everything

How do I even begin to gather my thoughts?

Coming to think of it, I don’t even remember how thinking feels

I was diving face first into the abyss….some days I wonder if I was better off doing so because it seems like I made this change in life too late to recover from all my sins

Father forgive me

You are a God of both forgiveness and second chances

I repent day after day

You tell me that is enough and I must now make my actions fit the prayers I speak

A life consecrated

-S. Logan

2012

Broadway

The say what doesn’t kill will make me stronger

My appetite for destruction is growing…not even the many suicide attempts can satisfy my hunger

Make up a couple excuses so a quack can give me the most powerful drugs they have

Something needs to kill the pain

Keep the over the counter stuff

With the life I live something with more punch is needed

Ya’ll still on that vicodin and percocet

I only worried about hydromophone

You got some??

Hold up hold up hold up

Is that the new fentanyl?

Grab the box and cover myself in patches

I should add some alcohol to the mix

Maybe I can drift off to a coma

Float into nothingness

Whatever it takes to get far away from this

I don’t call this living

Have you ever experienced what kind of thoughts self mutilation can provoke?

It’s not always the “I have to live a better life” speech we tend to give ourselves during gut check time

I could care less what they say about me in my life’s foot notes

You never knew how I used to go on lunch and breaks at work to snort coke

This is the real me!

Those who know me personally would be surprised that I’m depressed 90% of the time because they only the smile and hear me crack jokes

Swimming in a sea of despair…Lord grant me the strength to keep making the strong strokes

I would love to live…but is a little relief from the agony too much to ask

My bible tells me You can heal me….deliver me from my personal hell

I know I didn’t always praise you like I should but you know us sinners don’t call on you until we’ve fell

Self inflected wounds

What is one to do?

I keep praying and praying

Cover me in Your armor

Produce weapons to aid me in my skirmish

If order for me to be reborn my demons must be defeated….

© Steve Logan 2012

All Rights Reserved

The Mistakes Are Mine

Blinded by my perceived greatness

Thinking I am greater than the retch I actually am

No need to answer for the sins I’ve committed

How have I been able to live this long being so wrong?

Looking in the mirror and the megalomaniac that is staring back at me is familiar

You’ve allowed me to have free reign so to speak….falling down and picking myself back up

But I keep stepping into the same traps time and time again

Stripping myself down!

Removing the weight of the burdens that constantly drag me closer to hell!

I want to walk in your name

I don’t have to lose the traits that make me….I know that now

A life consecrated to You..

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

Below The Heavens

I am broken…in need of healing…..Father help me

A war is beginning waged inside of me
Call it the eternal struggle
Saint or sinner which one will I be?
At times I feel like the bad me took my heart in the form of smuggle

One day I feel as though I am un-winged angel
Then on the other side it’s like I am the son of Hades
Dark so when I die the flowers they use on my grave will be black
Selling my soul for worldly goods like diamond jewelry or a Mercedes

The righteous life is what
I must live if not for myself then for Khalil
For him I will do anything
So I have to learn how to let go of the past
And bring back the human side of me
I am tough but not made of steel
If you hurt me I still feel

Satin stay back…do not pray on my almost lifeless flesh

© 2012

All Rights Reserved