Closing Statement

I’ve presented my case

Now it’s in your hands to have the final say on my fate

As I lay here in this hospital bed I am in a coma though my soul is overseeing it all

Sitting here on a cloud with the number nine carved into it

Pleading with the Lord

Asking him to stop going through the pages of my life with red ink

I know that I should’ve done more

I am aware that I had great potential inside of me but kept pushing it down because I was scared to step into the light

If you let me come back from the dead this time it will be different

What about my son?

He’s still a child I have so much more to teach him

If nothing else I could tell him about all my transgressions so he knows to not follow the same path of his dear ol’ dad

Father knows best my ass

Oh sorry, forgot I was sitting here with you Father

Speaking of fathers why did you have to make my biological one who he was?

I never walked a day in his shoes but I feel as if I am able to judge him in some way

Yes I am a lair, a cheat and have been known to be a junkie in certain circles

But at least I never walked away from my own

Don’t look at me like that please

You know I never imagined that you would disapprove of my life as a whole like this

Have I shamed you that much?

Do you wish you never created me?

Am I the fallen angel who haunts you?

Wings are given at birth it is up the wearer to keep them intact so that when they are called home to be with the King of Kings

As the feathers began to shed many years ago I ignored them and continued on with my foolish ways

Dirty deeds

Secret sin

Should’ve known better than to try and hide anything from you right?

So what’s the end game here?

Am I done?

Should I stop wasting my breath?

He looks at me

Shakes his head

Then says, “You bring up good points and I’ve blessed you to be a thinker besides death would be an easy answer to this solution…you have been granted a stay of execution”

- S. Logan

2012

Me and the Devil

We’ve had an unspoken pact it appears

I’ve mortgaged out my soul so many times I don’t even know who the current owner is

Real estate has been rented in my mind

No room for logic

My heart grows everyday attempting to overcompensate for my evil thoughts

I hear a faint voice telling me I can still break free

I hear the Holy Spirit calling me

Saying I can leave behind my ways

I can become one with my Father

I can be myself

No pretending

For I am accepted for whom I was created to be

Sin and all

I will fight my way out of the fortress of the devil

LUCIFER YOU CAN NOT CHAIN ME!!

I will mow down the hoards of minions you send my way

I will dig my way out of this hole

Lord throw me a life line

I am looking for a sign to let me know that you haven’t given up on me…..

I offer myself up to you

-          S. Logan

2012

Atonement

As the church bells ring
I exit my car
Parked in the closes spot I could fine
Though as my steps begin to fall in line, I notice the walk is actually quiet far
Lord I know I’ve sinned and You’ve forgiven me every time
I walk into Your house and feel like an outsider
As if I don’t belong
The congregation has all eyes firmly planted on me
Sentiment is that I don’t belong
We’ve all sinned or at least I thought we did
Guess this is a house full of saints and the sinner stands alone

-S. Logan
2012

Burial

You took all the burdens of our sins

Died so we could live

The ultimate sacrifice

It is a shame for so long that I looked at life as the process of dying

When I should’ve been enjoying it

Loving it

Praising You for it…

On this day when You were resurrected

We make sure to not lose sight of the life You gave for us

A day that it seems has been clouded with the almighty dollar

I stand as a loyal servant in Your army Lord

I crusade for you

-S. Logan

2012

Vow

Some call it destroy and rebuild

I prefer to say that I am reorganizing my life

May not be the person you used to know

But I am well on the way to becoming the man I am meant to be

Pardon me if I don’t associate with you anymore

It’s for the best that we keep our distance

You’re living off the success of the past, My spirit is a like a 401k I’m investing for the future

You talking about the bad chicks you hit in high school, I’m talking about being celibate until I marry my wife

You stay worrying about breaking the sound barrier, I’m training for life’s marathon

I don’t fault you too much

I used to be like you

The only difference is that I got my stuff together now

My life was once in a pieces then God handed me the glue

Selah

-          S. Logan

2012

Darkness

I go back into the dark corners of my mind

Reflect on how my soul wasn’t always tarnished and stripped of its luster

Once it was golden…..the shine was unlike anything you would’ve ever seen

Maybe I was naïve then

Living in my own world and not pay attention to real life

Asleep at the wheel

Mind is numb from everything

How do I even begin to gather my thoughts?

Coming to think of it, I don’t even remember how thinking feels

I was diving face first into the abyss….some days I wonder if I was better off doing so because it seems like I made this change in life too late to recover from all my sins

Father forgive me

You are a God of both forgiveness and second chances

I repent day after day

You tell me that is enough and I must now make my actions fit the prayers I speak

A life consecrated

-S. Logan

2012

Fragrance

I've tired to stay away
But every time I think I have finally broken free from her spell
I see her
My heart does things that it has never done with any other
Stay
This is the one God made for you...

Then I begin to second guess
Had this feeling before
All it lead to was hurt feelings and friends turning into enemies

Not with her

She is different

I can feel it in my soul

"Go to her"

I hear the voice in my head getting louder

I am edging closer

The magnet that is her won't turn me loose

Who am I kidding?

I wouldn't be able to escape even if I wanted too

This is....

This is.....

Where I am supposed to be 

I have reached the destination on my journey of love

Now we embark on another path

One as husband and wife.....

I take you be the latest, greatness addition to my life

(C) 2012

S. Logan

Coming From a Broken Home

I don’t have any memories of ma and pops dancing to old songs

Only thing I remember is moms crying

Wondering how she is going to raise a man on her own

We made it and times weren’t easy

Nobody said it would be

Looking back on it I am glad

Always had food on the table

Nice clothes on my back

Some of the gear I was rocking not even kids from two parent households had that

With a much respect as I have for my mother

I grew just as much anger and hate for my father…..

No to call him father would be an insult to me and all the others who actually are a part of their children’s lives

The ones that are more than just a check in the mail

I’m talking attending sporting events, musical recitals, parent teacher conferences

How could you sleep at night not knowing that something you brought into this world wasn’t ok

That’s not a man

And it’s not a woman’s place to teach a boy how to grow into manhood

Yet so many have done so

Black men my senior talk about how so few from my generation and under aren’t men

May because many moons ago you the original black men left your families to fend for themselves

Grand fathers, uncles, older male cousins and the new man in momma’s life stepping up to the plate

But where is the sperm donor at?

At somewhere ducking the state to avoid at least financing the life that he had a hand in making

But what good is the money?

Doesn’t you child deserve a little time?

I shouldn’t of had to watch you my father come into my life every 3 – 4 years stay around for a weekend just for you to disappear again

Do you have any idea the nights I cried?!

How I thought it was my fault?!

HOW I BLAMED MYSELF FOR YOU LEAVING US?!

I know it’s wrong

But I hate you so much

I can never truly be one with God as long as I carry this with me

And I pray everyday that one day I can forgive you…

You’ve done nothing to deserve it

Though in a strange way I feel sorry for you old man….

I really do

You signed the birth certificate and we share the government name but I promise I will never be anything like you

© 2012

Steve Logan

Heavy

Weighed down

By life and all that it has brought me

Success outweighs struggle

Triumph reigns over tragedy

Mind over matter

Love defeats lust….or that’s what I always tell myself even as I usually lean in the direction of the latter majority of the time

Look in the mirror

Face the man staring back at me

I can’t blame any of this on my father

Spent so many years hating him and now as twenty something year old I’ve become him

Repent

Pray for my soul

Bathe in the purest of waters

Here I am

On this snow and ice covered dark back road

Driving at breakneck speeds

With bald tires and bad brakes

Careening into an embankment

What now?

How do I get out of this?

Lord don’t forget your promises to me

YOU PROMISED ME

Don’t leave me now

Death

Rebirth

Alive

Heart pulsating in anticipation of what my new life will bring

So much has been given

But much more remains

The rain cloud has gone from my life

Now only sunshine is what's left

© 2012

Steve Logan

All Rights Reserved

Broadway

The say what doesn’t kill will make me stronger

My appetite for destruction is growing…not even the many suicide attempts can satisfy my hunger

Make up a couple excuses so a quack can give me the most powerful drugs they have

Something needs to kill the pain

Keep the over the counter stuff

With the life I live something with more punch is needed

Ya’ll still on that vicodin and percocet

I only worried about hydromophone

You got some??

Hold up hold up hold up

Is that the new fentanyl?

Grab the box and cover myself in patches

I should add some alcohol to the mix

Maybe I can drift off to a coma

Float into nothingness

Whatever it takes to get far away from this

I don’t call this living

Have you ever experienced what kind of thoughts self mutilation can provoke?

It’s not always the “I have to live a better life” speech we tend to give ourselves during gut check time

I could care less what they say about me in my life’s foot notes

You never knew how I used to go on lunch and breaks at work to snort coke

This is the real me!

Those who know me personally would be surprised that I’m depressed 90% of the time because they only the smile and hear me crack jokes

Swimming in a sea of despair…Lord grant me the strength to keep making the strong strokes

I would love to live…but is a little relief from the agony too much to ask

My bible tells me You can heal me….deliver me from my personal hell

I know I didn’t always praise you like I should but you know us sinners don’t call on you until we’ve fell

Self inflected wounds

What is one to do?

I keep praying and praying

Cover me in Your armor

Produce weapons to aid me in my skirmish

If order for me to be reborn my demons must be defeated….

© Steve Logan 2012

All Rights Reserved

The Mistakes Are Mine

Blinded by my perceived greatness

Thinking I am greater than the retch I actually am

No need to answer for the sins I’ve committed

How have I been able to live this long being so wrong?

Looking in the mirror and the megalomaniac that is staring back at me is familiar

You’ve allowed me to have free reign so to speak….falling down and picking myself back up

But I keep stepping into the same traps time and time again

Stripping myself down!

Removing the weight of the burdens that constantly drag me closer to hell!

I want to walk in your name

I don’t have to lose the traits that make me….I know that now

A life consecrated to You..

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

Below The Heavens

I am broken…in need of healing…..Father help me

A war is beginning waged inside of me
Call it the eternal struggle
Saint or sinner which one will I be?
At times I feel like the bad me took my heart in the form of smuggle

One day I feel as though I am un-winged angel
Then on the other side it’s like I am the son of Hades
Dark so when I die the flowers they use on my grave will be black
Selling my soul for worldly goods like diamond jewelry or a Mercedes

The righteous life is what
I must live if not for myself then for Khalil
For him I will do anything
So I have to learn how to let go of the past
And bring back the human side of me
I am tough but not made of steel
If you hurt me I still feel

Satin stay back…do not pray on my almost lifeless flesh

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

Cry For Help

The world to live for but that’s not enough

Thinking about ending it all

The narcissist in me wants me to commit the single most selfish act a person can

 TAKE THE PAIN WAY!

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE

I sit here almost in tears

Errors in judgment

Eventual demise is what I am headed towards

Save my ship

Self worth dwindling

Mind is elsewhere

My faith is wavering

For the first time in my life I am admitting

…..I need help

© 2012

All Rights Reserved 

Last Rites

We come here today to send off a tortured soul

Removed the wretched life he lived

Years of depression had set in

Smiling was all but halted

If it wasn’t a blank stare then you could expect a frown

Grown tired of chasing dreams and became complacent

Holy water sprinkled down from above but due to the venom that inhabited his veins it evaporated

Clinching the rosary so unyielding……blood begins to flow from my hands

The true definition of praying until it hurts

What was the point of it all?

I still fear that my soul is sentenced to dwell in anguish

Broken promises to myself but above all I broke promises made to my Father

Asking for forgiveness and continued blessings…only to ignore them and black slide

I deserve nothing more than the nightmare I was living

So bury me

Had plenty of dirt thrown on me during my time

What difference does a few shovelfuls more matter?

Perform the eulogy

Lower the casket into the ground

This world is over for me….the me I used to be

Now I take steps forward to start my new life

© 2012

All Rights Reserved 

At Last

At last queen you get to take your place on the throne on high

Giving the performance of a life time eternally remembered

Called home five days before what would’ve been you 74^th year on this earth

You’ve left pieces of you in all our hearts….we hear your songs now and they hurt

The world seems a little colder today

Though we should celebrate what you’ve given us

Resting in paradise

No more pain

No suffering

Only smiles

Laughter

And tranquility

Go and get your bed rest for now

We’ll talk again soon

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

Long Live the King

What started out as a dream

Was realized after your death

Imagine that?

Now our youth study you and your teachings

Streets named after you…..granted the crime rate may be a tad bit high but we won’t judge them

I know you up a top your throne on high looking down

Only pray that you’re smiling on us all

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

Lord Give Me a Sign

Here I am again

On my knees

Not asking for mercy

But for enlightenment

Which path should I take?

I’m at the fork in the road of my life

Left?

Right?

Or straight?

I’m asking you

Pleading please continue to guide me

Don’t let me take the road to evil….I need a sign

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

Soul Revival

Lord…heavenly father….my God

I come to you tonight as but a man

For so long I’ve lived believing I was above and beyond discipline for my actions on this earth

I do things that I know are wrong and then ask for forgiveness

Thinking that should do it…..what a fool I am

Done with empty promises

I will be the man that you placed me on this earth to be

Fulfill my purpose even if that means I will meet death for it

It was all meant to happen one day right?

Lord I am so tired

My body, mind and most importantly spirit are week

I fear that if I stop moving for even the minimum amount of time I will never physically move again

….

Renew my will to live

I’m begging…please

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

God’s Laughter

They say God only takes the best

So until you’ve fulfilled your purpose on this earth you’re here with the rest

We miss you brother

You brought tears to our eyes for years

But now we shed a different kind as we mourn your passing

Guess God had other plans…wanted you in that pantheon with the other greats

If anything we’re the selfish ones wishing you were still here

While you sit perched on your cloud gazing around saying, “this is what I’ve been missing”

Go get your rest in until we all meet again

We send you off with the biggest round of applause you’ve ever received

This is to your new life up above as the physical has come to an end.

©

All Rights Reserved 2011

Right Above It

Lord I’m begging for you to save my soul, lately I’ve become so cold…watching myself die when I look in the mirror the reflection is starting to look like the me of the old

I keep combating against the urge to become what I once renounced

Smile is rarely seen these days

Walking around on edge, belligerent…ready to set any wrong doer a blaze

Satan get back

Don’t try to overtake my soul

It belongs to the Lord

And even though I don’t always live my life in His image, He is the ruler of all

…Of all

Never let me down

Please don’t let me fall as I hang on for dear life

Feeling my fingers slipping

Went from right above it to now living in it

Will I be able to climb out of the abyss? 

Guess we shall see

© 2011

All Rights Reserved