Years of Tears (Hurt)

For as long as I remember I've hated myself
Even as a child, through my adolescent years and even into adulthood
The new found love I have is still not enough to keep the demons at bay
The depression seemingly comes out of no where
I want to break the face of the man in the mirror
I've worn a mask for years, it's called a smile
Even trained my eyes and contoured my face to keep up the lie
Now it's harder
Lord I'm so tired
I cry every time I get a private moment
I know life will get better eventually.....I don't think it can get any worse
Botched suicide attempts
Addiction to self destruction
Maybe the drugs will take me

Silently screaming

Help

Or just listen to me
Don't call me crazy when I tell you that my mental health is deteriorating

I'm broken inside
I fear my wounds have been open too long and are far too severe to be repaired

Tomorrow will be a replay of the same and I will place my armor on and keep fighting my demons......waiting for the trumpet to sound......the Calvary has arrived

(C) Steve Logan
2013

No Love

I think about how what we had wasn’t the best I but it was perfect to me and I was good with it

Then we complicated the procedure with all the relationship

She was my best friend then we started screwing

Said it was just for the moment

The single life had beaten us both down

Tired of playing the games and wanted to satisfy sexual needs without the hassle of meeting someone new

Put it down so good on one another that the thought of officially being together slowly made its way into our minds

The door was open

What was once in the back of our minds had made it to the front

The first thing I thought of in the morning was her

And she thought of me

Sent “Good morning baby” text messages concurrently

No titles would be given

But sometimes you just want to feel like you belong

Not that you’re a possession, but more than just a piece of the puzzle

Initial attraction is always the catalyst

Eventually want to encompass all senses of that person’s affection

She got tired of the run around

Said I had forgotten our friendship

We no longer had deep conversations anymore

Just me kissing and undressing her as she talked about the ups and downs of her life

I had let myself get lost in the sauce

Downgraded her from one of my best friends to Miss New Booty

Obtained another notch on my bed post but the risk was higher than the reward

Now no love is to be found

Lost it all

Lost her…..

Lost my one true love…

-S. Logan

2012

Ordinary Love

Can’t even look you in the face

Don’t want to deal with the shame of what I let go

So I choose to stay as far away as possible

You always were my angel so the space is your halo

I could just say sorry, apologize for the wrong I’ve done

What would that do? 

You wouldn’t believe me anyway

Remember the last time that I could you this was the last time I was going to do you wrong?

I wouldn’t expect you to think this time I’ve changed

Still been keeping tabs on you through mutual friends that don’t treat me with distain due to the way I treated you

I admit both times I was a shell of a man

Love isn’t a game

Had no right to play with your heart

Wasn’t even worthy to hold it up

Hands got shaky

Blame it on the drugs they had me geeking

Nerves on the ends of my fingers started tweaking

One of the words most beautiful jewels in the palms of my hands

Many told me it resembled a precious ruby when held to the light

Wouldn’t you know I had to go and fuck things up just like I always do

Third time’s the charm but I’ll spare myself the disappointment I won’t try to invade what I am sure is now the fortress that is your heart

Shopping at the store of the ones who have had love and lost it

And everything in here is in my size

-S. Logan

2012

Rerun (Love Programming)

Keep flipping through channels but nothing new is on

Same ole shows

Same ole star…..me

I keep trading hearts in for new models like beaten down cars

I could care less about taking heed of how long the engine lasts

Not looking for 300,000 miles

I plan on racking up as many joy ride laps on this thing I can then discarding it

No worries

Call the tow truck

We got another

Let me turn in these keys

No need for them anymore

No need to be sitting here anymore

Time to get off my ass

Experience new things

Meet new people

My way is no way

Fuck this tv!

S. Logan

2012

Falling In Love with a Angel

You get me high

Make believe I have wings

Never had an experience quite like the one I have when I am with you

Everybody says you have control over my mind

They could never understand the bond we’ve forged

I’d do anything for you

Lie for you

Steal for you

Even got my ass whooped a few times for you

Hallucinations overtake my eyes

Mirages of you telling me to come near even when you’re not remotely close to location

Need a compass

A zeta beam can teleport me to your exact latitude longitude and we can pick up where we left off

Loving so good I had to get it in vials just to keep my cravings for you at bay when I can’t have you

Your joint is a killer

I want to dip my happy stick in you

…..Now it’s wet

Toe tag me baby

I’m down for the count

Numb in the proceeding moments following our encounters

Intoxicated

Staggering

Unsteady

Slurring my speech even

Friends asking me why eyes are bloodshot

The memories of you alone are enough to make me lose balance on command

Get it too good might have to call the EMTs

Remember last time?

I was laying in the middle of the kitchen floor having convulsions because you gave me a high dose of your love

Putting my hands on you

Normally I’m not aggressive but I don’t want you to go

Unusual type of love indeed

Nothing holy about it

You’ve just an account of addict

Angel dust

S. Logan

2012

Intervention

So let me go ahead and admit this

I'm an addict

When it comes to you

You have me doing things that I've never thought I would

Taken me to places I've never imagined I would go

Even though you share a love....shared vows with him under God.....I can't stop

I've crossed lines that Satan himself wouldn't

But I don't plan on stopping anytime soon

You’ve got a hold of my soul

Maneuvering me in whatever direction you wish

I get the shakes

When I am away from you for too long

The smell of your perfume

Lingers on my collar

Reminding me of our latest rendezvous

I've got to get over this

Get you out of my mind

Though it's been many months since I've last had you....I still fiend 

S. Logan

2012

Silver Surfer

.

I am aloof

Mind in the clouds….well the cosmos to be exact

Feeling light

My shoes could have anvils bonded to them with cement and that still wouldn’t keep me

I am not made for the ground

I was meant for this life

To fly

Zip in and out of intergalactic wormholes

Dodging asteroids

Light speed feels like the pace of tortoise to me

Hope you enjoyed me when I was around

Told you I was ascending

Shooting through the glass ceiling that holds so many of us back

Going for the crown

Hope I made you smile more than frown

Should you happen to lay eyes upon me as an earth walker

Don’t even bother speaking

I am only here for to visit loved ones that remain world bound

I don’t want hear a sound!

You’re the reason why I left

Tired of the back stabbing, you laugh at me because I dare to do what you never had the courage to…

Stand out

Show out

Step out

Matter of fact I’m done talking to you

Let me hop on my board and shoot back up to space

You can keep all that “I knew you would make it” talk

Peace, I’m out

-          S. Logan

2012

Human Roulette

We play this game over and over

The danger and the risk of it all make for better enjoyment

Not understanding the levity of the situation

A life sentence without parole is what we’re facing

Think about it

The we’re walking loaded guns safety off

We shoot sometimes we miss and other times we wounded ourselves along with others

Though you live after being shot….the bullet will forever course through your vain until you die

-          S. Logan

2012

Atonement

As the church bells ring
I exit my car
Parked in the closes spot I could fine
Though as my steps begin to fall in line, I notice the walk is actually quiet far
Lord I know I’ve sinned and You’ve forgiven me every time
I walk into Your house and feel like an outsider
As if I don’t belong
The congregation has all eyes firmly planted on me
Sentiment is that I don’t belong
We’ve all sinned or at least I thought we did
Guess this is a house full of saints and the sinner stands alone

-S. Logan
2012

Burial

You took all the burdens of our sins

Died so we could live

The ultimate sacrifice

It is a shame for so long that I looked at life as the process of dying

When I should’ve been enjoying it

Loving it

Praising You for it…

On this day when You were resurrected

We make sure to not lose sight of the life You gave for us

A day that it seems has been clouded with the almighty dollar

I stand as a loyal servant in Your army Lord

I crusade for you

-S. Logan

2012

Vow

Some call it destroy and rebuild

I prefer to say that I am reorganizing my life

May not be the person you used to know

But I am well on the way to becoming the man I am meant to be

Pardon me if I don’t associate with you anymore

It’s for the best that we keep our distance

You’re living off the success of the past, My spirit is a like a 401k I’m investing for the future

You talking about the bad chicks you hit in high school, I’m talking about being celibate until I marry my wife

You stay worrying about breaking the sound barrier, I’m training for life’s marathon

I don’t fault you too much

I used to be like you

The only difference is that I got my stuff together now

My life was once in a pieces then God handed me the glue

Selah

-          S. Logan

2012

Housewife of Saint Louis

It’s getting harder and harder to keep her a secret

Sending me naked pics while her papers lays sound asleep next to her

Telling me I should come through because she just sent him on another wild goose chase…..trying to find another token to show his love for her

I show my love with the vigor in each stroke

She tells me I can skinny dip in her pool

Normally I wear a life jacket but I got caught up in the excitement a time or two…..three…..TEN!

My test keep coming back clean

Nothing to worry about on that end

So we continue

It’s deeper now

We no longer have rendezvous of lustful sin

She tells me about how he no longer sleeps in the same bed

Showing me the text messages

He’s calling her everything but a child of God

Nope

I won’t say anything

Not my place dude

I am just the side dick

My duties only list two things:  lick and stick

Not always in that order

We’re doing it again

Turing on the air in this hotel room in the dead of winter

Sex so scorching that it would melt her wedding ring if she still bothered to wear it

“Oh that good”

Is all I can think laying here in this bed

Worn out……too tired to even scoot over so I won’t lay in the wet spot

I fall asleep and as usual when I awake she is gone

What’s this I see?   A note?

Something’s inside of it…

A pen?  No

A toothbrush?  No

Cylinder shaped container?  No

“Two lines means you’re the father…….Love *********”

-S. Logan

2012

Dark Corners

Bright lights attract not only insects but can also bring unwanted attention to ones dirty deeds

Exposed for what we really are

Tales better left untold

Things you wish would’ve stayed in the closet

Now I walk around

I am forced to look at the ground

I feel judging eyes on me

Thinking to myself, “How can they judge me?” 

Then I realize if I was them I would be judging me

It was all good just a week ago

That was when I didn’t feel like the loneliest man in the world

Now I only have myself to look in the mirror and blame

-S. Logan

Hostage

I’m being held captive

A prisoner inside my own home

Trapped behind the bars that incarcerate me….inside my mind

My past refuses to let me escape

The structure of this box is unlike anything that an architect could imagine

All this time I’ve been yelling

DON’T BOX ME IN

Now I am in a box

Plans of escape prove futile

All I do in here is reminisce

Wonder how I got myself into this

Craving a countdown in the walls of my brain

Though I don’t know what I am counting down to

No chance of parole…..guess I am sentenced to death on the mental block

©

S. Logan

This Dog’s Life

I’m tired of avoiding what looks back every time I stare in the mirror

Terrified to admit the reason why my love life is in shambles is due to my own whorish ways

Well there is still breath in this body of mine

Never too late to change

I’ve been in and out of kennels

Some even left me on the door step of abandoned animal’s shelters

Those who were foolish enough to try to take me home

I jumped over the fence and ran around terrorizing the neighborhood

When I tell you I’ve lived it’s not a game

My life has been anything but sheltered

Now I’m standing out here looking for some cover from the shit storm that has begun to rain

Not even me giving the sad puppy dog eyes will allow you to let me back in

All you can think of is the last time and how I refused to become house trained

If you look very closely you can still see the stains that I left on the carpet

The dirt that I’ve done remains, no matter how much scrubbing has been done

© 2012

S. Logan

Coming From a Broken Home

I don’t have any memories of ma and pops dancing to old songs

Only thing I remember is moms crying

Wondering how she is going to raise a man on her own

We made it and times weren’t easy

Nobody said it would be

Looking back on it I am glad

Always had food on the table

Nice clothes on my back

Some of the gear I was rocking not even kids from two parent households had that

With a much respect as I have for my mother

I grew just as much anger and hate for my father…..

No to call him father would be an insult to me and all the others who actually are a part of their children’s lives

The ones that are more than just a check in the mail

I’m talking attending sporting events, musical recitals, parent teacher conferences

How could you sleep at night not knowing that something you brought into this world wasn’t ok

That’s not a man

And it’s not a woman’s place to teach a boy how to grow into manhood

Yet so many have done so

Black men my senior talk about how so few from my generation and under aren’t men

May because many moons ago you the original black men left your families to fend for themselves

Grand fathers, uncles, older male cousins and the new man in momma’s life stepping up to the plate

But where is the sperm donor at?

At somewhere ducking the state to avoid at least financing the life that he had a hand in making

But what good is the money?

Doesn’t you child deserve a little time?

I shouldn’t of had to watch you my father come into my life every 3 – 4 years stay around for a weekend just for you to disappear again

Do you have any idea the nights I cried?!

How I thought it was my fault?!

HOW I BLAMED MYSELF FOR YOU LEAVING US?!

I know it’s wrong

But I hate you so much

I can never truly be one with God as long as I carry this with me

And I pray everyday that one day I can forgive you…

You’ve done nothing to deserve it

Though in a strange way I feel sorry for you old man….

I really do

You signed the birth certificate and we share the government name but I promise I will never be anything like you

© 2012

Steve Logan

Heavy

Weighed down

By life and all that it has brought me

Success outweighs struggle

Triumph reigns over tragedy

Mind over matter

Love defeats lust….or that’s what I always tell myself even as I usually lean in the direction of the latter majority of the time

Look in the mirror

Face the man staring back at me

I can’t blame any of this on my father

Spent so many years hating him and now as twenty something year old I’ve become him

Repent

Pray for my soul

Bathe in the purest of waters

Here I am

On this snow and ice covered dark back road

Driving at breakneck speeds

With bald tires and bad brakes

Careening into an embankment

What now?

How do I get out of this?

Lord don’t forget your promises to me

YOU PROMISED ME

Don’t leave me now

Death

Rebirth

Alive

Heart pulsating in anticipation of what my new life will bring

So much has been given

But much more remains

The rain cloud has gone from my life

Now only sunshine is what's left

© 2012

Steve Logan

All Rights Reserved

Broadway

The say what doesn’t kill will make me stronger

My appetite for destruction is growing…not even the many suicide attempts can satisfy my hunger

Make up a couple excuses so a quack can give me the most powerful drugs they have

Something needs to kill the pain

Keep the over the counter stuff

With the life I live something with more punch is needed

Ya’ll still on that vicodin and percocet

I only worried about hydromophone

You got some??

Hold up hold up hold up

Is that the new fentanyl?

Grab the box and cover myself in patches

I should add some alcohol to the mix

Maybe I can drift off to a coma

Float into nothingness

Whatever it takes to get far away from this

I don’t call this living

Have you ever experienced what kind of thoughts self mutilation can provoke?

It’s not always the “I have to live a better life” speech we tend to give ourselves during gut check time

I could care less what they say about me in my life’s foot notes

You never knew how I used to go on lunch and breaks at work to snort coke

This is the real me!

Those who know me personally would be surprised that I’m depressed 90% of the time because they only the smile and hear me crack jokes

Swimming in a sea of despair…Lord grant me the strength to keep making the strong strokes

I would love to live…but is a little relief from the agony too much to ask

My bible tells me You can heal me….deliver me from my personal hell

I know I didn’t always praise you like I should but you know us sinners don’t call on you until we’ve fell

Self inflected wounds

What is one to do?

I keep praying and praying

Cover me in Your armor

Produce weapons to aid me in my skirmish

If order for me to be reborn my demons must be defeated….

© Steve Logan 2012

All Rights Reserved

The Fall

The ups

The downs

We try to make the square peg fit into the circle shaped hole

But to no avail

Hopeless romantics

Star crossed lovers

Too afraid of the single life to admit we’re not right for each other

We rise

We fall

Trying so hard to make things work

All resources have been exhausted

The battlefield is littered with casualties….of the war that we’ve raged on….soldiers of an unfortunate love

Playful back and forth morphs into hateful volleys being lobbed over the net

Stay

Or

Go

You call me a liar and say you will never trust me

Every time I break your wall down it seems like I do something else the very next moment to make you rebuild it stronger

Finger pointing

Let’s play the blame game

I feel as if you will always hold the past over my head

Evil, vindictive how can you take me back just to do me like this?

Brought back to life

Only to see the knife being shoved into my heart

Now we are at an end road

What to do?

We no longer know each other

Part of me wonders if we ever did

Well ummm

There’s a but

That’s not totally true

We both lied to one another

Chasing our tails

The dog has come back out to play

“Bark like a dog” *bark bark*

“Bark like a BIG dog!!”  *WOOF WOOF*

It was my decision to jump over the fence

Go out and roam

Serves me right that when I came back my house was torn down

Guess I pissed you off that much huh?

Reform project

This time the foundation of which we construct on will be stronger

I’ve changed

You can see it in my actions

But the divide is still there

Barriers continually in the way

I am sick and tired of you tearing me down and acting as if I should deserve it

How could you expect me to stay?

You keep treating me as if I am a nuisance to you…I’m no longer needed here so I begin to stray

Oh now you want me back

Telling me how you only argue with me so furiously because you have such strong feelings

If this is love then I would’ve lived a better life having not ever known it

Let’s call it quits….time for the union that we have to split

So it’s over

We go our separate ways

Delete friendships via the world wide web

And erase phone numbers

Though the smiles we shared and subsequent moans and swapping of lust still pop in my mind

You give me a feeling like I’ve never felt before

I exposed myself fully to you and only you… I knew I could trust you..you weren’t deceitful like those whores

I miss what we had

Even though it was bad

Guess that’s why I want it back…I’ve grown accustomed to be being sad

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

If I Die Tomorrow

Living everyday just like it's my last because tomorrow is not promised

I used to fear death and now I'm anticipating it....I'm just being honest

Every second spent on earth is one step closer to the afterlife

But I can't worry about that, right now I need to clog up this nose bleed as I skyrocket towards the apex

Teach my son a little more

Tell those close to me how much I love them

Lord I'm not ready to GO!

Though if you see fit to take me now, I only ask that it's fast because I bare a death that is slow

Soul is tortured.....is living really worth it?

I watch the clock go from 1159 to 1200

A new day.....as my eyelids become heavy I'm reminded of my life in it's entirety as I pass away

(C) 2012 All Rights Reserved