The Man Who Knew Too Much

Pride myself on being a man that knows what women want

How they like to be touched

Kissed

Caressed

Just what to say and when to say it

Which things in the bed will drive her crazy

Eyes rolling

Screaming so loud she’s lost her voice

Involuntary muscle spasms in the pelvic region

Legs begin to shake uncontrollable

What good that did me right?

I’m more alone than I ever been

Should’ve focused on a friendship

Before wasting someone’s time in another nowhere relationship

 God….

I know where I went wrong

……

I should’ve had You involved in this

S. Logan

2012

Intervention

So let me go ahead and admit this

I'm an addict

When it comes to you

You have me doing things that I've never thought I would

Taken me to places I've never imagined I would go

Even though you share a love....shared vows with him under God.....I can't stop

I've crossed lines that Satan himself wouldn't

But I don't plan on stopping anytime soon

You’ve got a hold of my soul

Maneuvering me in whatever direction you wish

I get the shakes

When I am away from you for too long

The smell of your perfume

Lingers on my collar

Reminding me of our latest rendezvous

I've got to get over this

Get you out of my mind

Though it's been many months since I've last had you....I still fiend 

S. Logan

2012

Silver Surfer

.

I am aloof

Mind in the clouds….well the cosmos to be exact

Feeling light

My shoes could have anvils bonded to them with cement and that still wouldn’t keep me

I am not made for the ground

I was meant for this life

To fly

Zip in and out of intergalactic wormholes

Dodging asteroids

Light speed feels like the pace of tortoise to me

Hope you enjoyed me when I was around

Told you I was ascending

Shooting through the glass ceiling that holds so many of us back

Going for the crown

Hope I made you smile more than frown

Should you happen to lay eyes upon me as an earth walker

Don’t even bother speaking

I am only here for to visit loved ones that remain world bound

I don’t want hear a sound!

You’re the reason why I left

Tired of the back stabbing, you laugh at me because I dare to do what you never had the courage to…

Stand out

Show out

Step out

Matter of fact I’m done talking to you

Let me hop on my board and shoot back up to space

You can keep all that “I knew you would make it” talk

Peace, I’m out

-          S. Logan

2012

Time to Heal

Let’s smile more

Get away from the sadness

Embrace happiness

Push away sorrow

We control our own moods

Outside forces will always be there

Life is never a perfect picture

There are often smudges covering the surface

Are you willing to look?

Don’t fret

God won’t put more on you than you can handle

Scars eventually heal

We learn to move more freely

Range of motion has returned

Never let depression dim your light

Continue to let the fire burn

-          S. Logan

2012

Human Roulette

We play this game over and over

The danger and the risk of it all make for better enjoyment

Not understanding the levity of the situation

A life sentence without parole is what we’re facing

Think about it

The we’re walking loaded guns safety off

We shoot sometimes we miss and other times we wounded ourselves along with others

Though you live after being shot….the bullet will forever course through your vain until you die

-          S. Logan

2012

Atonement

As the church bells ring
I exit my car
Parked in the closes spot I could fine
Though as my steps begin to fall in line, I notice the walk is actually quiet far
Lord I know I’ve sinned and You’ve forgiven me every time
I walk into Your house and feel like an outsider
As if I don’t belong
The congregation has all eyes firmly planted on me
Sentiment is that I don’t belong
We’ve all sinned or at least I thought we did
Guess this is a house full of saints and the sinner stands alone

-S. Logan
2012

Burial

You took all the burdens of our sins

Died so we could live

The ultimate sacrifice

It is a shame for so long that I looked at life as the process of dying

When I should’ve been enjoying it

Loving it

Praising You for it…

On this day when You were resurrected

We make sure to not lose sight of the life You gave for us

A day that it seems has been clouded with the almighty dollar

I stand as a loyal servant in Your army Lord

I crusade for you

-S. Logan

2012

Vow

Some call it destroy and rebuild

I prefer to say that I am reorganizing my life

May not be the person you used to know

But I am well on the way to becoming the man I am meant to be

Pardon me if I don’t associate with you anymore

It’s for the best that we keep our distance

You’re living off the success of the past, My spirit is a like a 401k I’m investing for the future

You talking about the bad chicks you hit in high school, I’m talking about being celibate until I marry my wife

You stay worrying about breaking the sound barrier, I’m training for life’s marathon

I don’t fault you too much

I used to be like you

The only difference is that I got my stuff together now

My life was once in a pieces then God handed me the glue

Selah

-          S. Logan

2012

Darkness

I go back into the dark corners of my mind

Reflect on how my soul wasn’t always tarnished and stripped of its luster

Once it was golden…..the shine was unlike anything you would’ve ever seen

Maybe I was naïve then

Living in my own world and not pay attention to real life

Asleep at the wheel

Mind is numb from everything

How do I even begin to gather my thoughts?

Coming to think of it, I don’t even remember how thinking feels

I was diving face first into the abyss….some days I wonder if I was better off doing so because it seems like I made this change in life too late to recover from all my sins

Father forgive me

You are a God of both forgiveness and second chances

I repent day after day

You tell me that is enough and I must now make my actions fit the prayers I speak

A life consecrated

-S. Logan

2012

Housewife of Saint Louis

It’s getting harder and harder to keep her a secret

Sending me naked pics while her papers lays sound asleep next to her

Telling me I should come through because she just sent him on another wild goose chase…..trying to find another token to show his love for her

I show my love with the vigor in each stroke

She tells me I can skinny dip in her pool

Normally I wear a life jacket but I got caught up in the excitement a time or two…..three…..TEN!

My test keep coming back clean

Nothing to worry about on that end

So we continue

It’s deeper now

We no longer have rendezvous of lustful sin

She tells me about how he no longer sleeps in the same bed

Showing me the text messages

He’s calling her everything but a child of God

Nope

I won’t say anything

Not my place dude

I am just the side dick

My duties only list two things:  lick and stick

Not always in that order

We’re doing it again

Turing on the air in this hotel room in the dead of winter

Sex so scorching that it would melt her wedding ring if she still bothered to wear it

“Oh that good”

Is all I can think laying here in this bed

Worn out……too tired to even scoot over so I won’t lay in the wet spot

I fall asleep and as usual when I awake she is gone

What’s this I see?   A note?

Something’s inside of it…

A pen?  No

A toothbrush?  No

Cylinder shaped container?  No

“Two lines means you’re the father…….Love *********”

-S. Logan

2012

Boomerang Effect

Seems like I’ve been here before

Well I have been

Too many times before

In the same situation

With the same person

…Maybe not the same person but she fits the model of the others before

Always falling for the ones that never end up with guys like me

Said I was done giving my all only to get nothing in return

I can be everything to one person

Instead I am here being one thing to every girl

Never was my intent really

Thinking I could dick them down good enough that they would give me their heart along with their bodies

No such luck…

Same movie….

Different co stars…

I am the constant in this cast

Just when I think the show is over

I’ve taken my last bow…NOPE

Encore after encore

However it seems I have finally outgrown this role

Fin

-          S. Logan

2012

Sprung in the Spring

Beautiful weather
Wonderful scenery
Sexy ladies
Brown skin as far as the eye can see
Looking so smooth....they must use that coco butter
Wish I was the one to lotion you down lil mama
Fresh out the tub
Pat you dry....hold up
I'm getting off topic
This is supposed to be about spring time
Sun dresses....
What?  That's springy right?
Yeah like I was saying
Hugging every inch of her frame
I see you girl.....I see it all
Love this time of year gonna hate to see it go away....but there is a plus
Sweater dresses and leggins in the winter and fall

(c) 2012

Dark Corners

Bright lights attract not only insects but can also bring unwanted attention to ones dirty deeds

Exposed for what we really are

Tales better left untold

Things you wish would’ve stayed in the closet

Now I walk around

I am forced to look at the ground

I feel judging eyes on me

Thinking to myself, “How can they judge me?” 

Then I realize if I was them I would be judging me

It was all good just a week ago

That was when I didn’t feel like the loneliest man in the world

Now I only have myself to look in the mirror and blame

-S. Logan

Hostage

I’m being held captive

A prisoner inside my own home

Trapped behind the bars that incarcerate me….inside my mind

My past refuses to let me escape

The structure of this box is unlike anything that an architect could imagine

All this time I’ve been yelling

DON’T BOX ME IN

Now I am in a box

Plans of escape prove futile

All I do in here is reminisce

Wonder how I got myself into this

Craving a countdown in the walls of my brain

Though I don’t know what I am counting down to

No chance of parole…..guess I am sentenced to death on the mental block

©

S. Logan

This Dog’s Life

I’m tired of avoiding what looks back every time I stare in the mirror

Terrified to admit the reason why my love life is in shambles is due to my own whorish ways

Well there is still breath in this body of mine

Never too late to change

I’ve been in and out of kennels

Some even left me on the door step of abandoned animal’s shelters

Those who were foolish enough to try to take me home

I jumped over the fence and ran around terrorizing the neighborhood

When I tell you I’ve lived it’s not a game

My life has been anything but sheltered

Now I’m standing out here looking for some cover from the shit storm that has begun to rain

Not even me giving the sad puppy dog eyes will allow you to let me back in

All you can think of is the last time and how I refused to become house trained

If you look very closely you can still see the stains that I left on the carpet

The dirt that I’ve done remains, no matter how much scrubbing has been done

© 2012

S. Logan

Fragrance

I've tired to stay away
But every time I think I have finally broken free from her spell
I see her
My heart does things that it has never done with any other
Stay
This is the one God made for you...

Then I begin to second guess
Had this feeling before
All it lead to was hurt feelings and friends turning into enemies

Not with her

She is different

I can feel it in my soul

"Go to her"

I hear the voice in my head getting louder

I am edging closer

The magnet that is her won't turn me loose

Who am I kidding?

I wouldn't be able to escape even if I wanted too

This is....

This is.....

Where I am supposed to be 

I have reached the destination on my journey of love

Now we embark on another path

One as husband and wife.....

I take you be the latest, greatness addition to my life

(C) 2012

S. Logan

Coming From a Broken Home

I don’t have any memories of ma and pops dancing to old songs

Only thing I remember is moms crying

Wondering how she is going to raise a man on her own

We made it and times weren’t easy

Nobody said it would be

Looking back on it I am glad

Always had food on the table

Nice clothes on my back

Some of the gear I was rocking not even kids from two parent households had that

With a much respect as I have for my mother

I grew just as much anger and hate for my father…..

No to call him father would be an insult to me and all the others who actually are a part of their children’s lives

The ones that are more than just a check in the mail

I’m talking attending sporting events, musical recitals, parent teacher conferences

How could you sleep at night not knowing that something you brought into this world wasn’t ok

That’s not a man

And it’s not a woman’s place to teach a boy how to grow into manhood

Yet so many have done so

Black men my senior talk about how so few from my generation and under aren’t men

May because many moons ago you the original black men left your families to fend for themselves

Grand fathers, uncles, older male cousins and the new man in momma’s life stepping up to the plate

But where is the sperm donor at?

At somewhere ducking the state to avoid at least financing the life that he had a hand in making

But what good is the money?

Doesn’t you child deserve a little time?

I shouldn’t of had to watch you my father come into my life every 3 – 4 years stay around for a weekend just for you to disappear again

Do you have any idea the nights I cried?!

How I thought it was my fault?!

HOW I BLAMED MYSELF FOR YOU LEAVING US?!

I know it’s wrong

But I hate you so much

I can never truly be one with God as long as I carry this with me

And I pray everyday that one day I can forgive you…

You’ve done nothing to deserve it

Though in a strange way I feel sorry for you old man….

I really do

You signed the birth certificate and we share the government name but I promise I will never be anything like you

© 2012

Steve Logan

Heavy

Weighed down

By life and all that it has brought me

Success outweighs struggle

Triumph reigns over tragedy

Mind over matter

Love defeats lust….or that’s what I always tell myself even as I usually lean in the direction of the latter majority of the time

Look in the mirror

Face the man staring back at me

I can’t blame any of this on my father

Spent so many years hating him and now as twenty something year old I’ve become him

Repent

Pray for my soul

Bathe in the purest of waters

Here I am

On this snow and ice covered dark back road

Driving at breakneck speeds

With bald tires and bad brakes

Careening into an embankment

What now?

How do I get out of this?

Lord don’t forget your promises to me

YOU PROMISED ME

Don’t leave me now

Death

Rebirth

Alive

Heart pulsating in anticipation of what my new life will bring

So much has been given

But much more remains

The rain cloud has gone from my life

Now only sunshine is what's left

© 2012

Steve Logan

All Rights Reserved

Broadway

The say what doesn’t kill will make me stronger

My appetite for destruction is growing…not even the many suicide attempts can satisfy my hunger

Make up a couple excuses so a quack can give me the most powerful drugs they have

Something needs to kill the pain

Keep the over the counter stuff

With the life I live something with more punch is needed

Ya’ll still on that vicodin and percocet

I only worried about hydromophone

You got some??

Hold up hold up hold up

Is that the new fentanyl?

Grab the box and cover myself in patches

I should add some alcohol to the mix

Maybe I can drift off to a coma

Float into nothingness

Whatever it takes to get far away from this

I don’t call this living

Have you ever experienced what kind of thoughts self mutilation can provoke?

It’s not always the “I have to live a better life” speech we tend to give ourselves during gut check time

I could care less what they say about me in my life’s foot notes

You never knew how I used to go on lunch and breaks at work to snort coke

This is the real me!

Those who know me personally would be surprised that I’m depressed 90% of the time because they only the smile and hear me crack jokes

Swimming in a sea of despair…Lord grant me the strength to keep making the strong strokes

I would love to live…but is a little relief from the agony too much to ask

My bible tells me You can heal me….deliver me from my personal hell

I know I didn’t always praise you like I should but you know us sinners don’t call on you until we’ve fell

Self inflected wounds

What is one to do?

I keep praying and praying

Cover me in Your armor

Produce weapons to aid me in my skirmish

If order for me to be reborn my demons must be defeated….

© Steve Logan 2012

All Rights Reserved

The Fall

The ups

The downs

We try to make the square peg fit into the circle shaped hole

But to no avail

Hopeless romantics

Star crossed lovers

Too afraid of the single life to admit we’re not right for each other

We rise

We fall

Trying so hard to make things work

All resources have been exhausted

The battlefield is littered with casualties….of the war that we’ve raged on….soldiers of an unfortunate love

Playful back and forth morphs into hateful volleys being lobbed over the net

Stay

Or

Go

You call me a liar and say you will never trust me

Every time I break your wall down it seems like I do something else the very next moment to make you rebuild it stronger

Finger pointing

Let’s play the blame game

I feel as if you will always hold the past over my head

Evil, vindictive how can you take me back just to do me like this?

Brought back to life

Only to see the knife being shoved into my heart

Now we are at an end road

What to do?

We no longer know each other

Part of me wonders if we ever did

Well ummm

There’s a but

That’s not totally true

We both lied to one another

Chasing our tails

The dog has come back out to play

“Bark like a dog” *bark bark*

“Bark like a BIG dog!!”  *WOOF WOOF*

It was my decision to jump over the fence

Go out and roam

Serves me right that when I came back my house was torn down

Guess I pissed you off that much huh?

Reform project

This time the foundation of which we construct on will be stronger

I’ve changed

You can see it in my actions

But the divide is still there

Barriers continually in the way

I am sick and tired of you tearing me down and acting as if I should deserve it

How could you expect me to stay?

You keep treating me as if I am a nuisance to you…I’m no longer needed here so I begin to stray

Oh now you want me back

Telling me how you only argue with me so furiously because you have such strong feelings

If this is love then I would’ve lived a better life having not ever known it

Let’s call it quits….time for the union that we have to split

So it’s over

We go our separate ways

Delete friendships via the world wide web

And erase phone numbers

Though the smiles we shared and subsequent moans and swapping of lust still pop in my mind

You give me a feeling like I’ve never felt before

I exposed myself fully to you and only you… I knew I could trust you..you weren’t deceitful like those whores

I miss what we had

Even though it was bad

Guess that’s why I want it back…I’ve grown accustomed to be being sad

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

If I Die Tomorrow

Living everyday just like it's my last because tomorrow is not promised

I used to fear death and now I'm anticipating it....I'm just being honest

Every second spent on earth is one step closer to the afterlife

But I can't worry about that, right now I need to clog up this nose bleed as I skyrocket towards the apex

Teach my son a little more

Tell those close to me how much I love them

Lord I'm not ready to GO!

Though if you see fit to take me now, I only ask that it's fast because I bare a death that is slow

Soul is tortured.....is living really worth it?

I watch the clock go from 1159 to 1200

A new day.....as my eyelids become heavy I'm reminded of my life in it's entirety as I pass away

(C) 2012 All Rights Reserved

Name Game

She tells me I’m her dream man
The perfect guy
I tell her I’m just a mere mortal….. Knowing in the back of my head
This will not last
Eyes racing back and forth
As my attention can’t be held by one
I tell her I love her

Because I mean it
That’s why I will break this off
Suddenly
Not even leaving a “Dear Jane” letter
Its better this way
Rather than have her wait for other shoe to drop
I abandon her
Often say
I will be alone forever
Not by choice per say
But by stupidity
Subconsciously
I find a way to the nearest exit
My convoluted logic
Tells me it’s better
For her to hate me
Than for me to hurt her

© 2012
All Rights Reserved

Breaking Dawn

Sitting on this hill I see the sun peek over the horizon
Another day
Another opportunity
To be great
To erase
I bathe in sun light
Solar rays empower me
Give me the strength I need
To face a new beginning
It was well worth it traveling through the night
Mark my words on this day, I will reach new heights

© 2012
All Rights Reserved

My People

.

My People
We’ve got to do better
Not just to keep up with the Jones’
But do it for self
Aren’t you tired of being a joke?
Notice how they only interview the one that looks like they just rolled out of bed and completely ignore the one in the suit that has knowledge seeping out of their pores
Don’t tell me that is how you were raised
Break the cycle
Aim higher
Evolve
Seems like we’re comfortable
Playing the monkey at the circus
And that isn’t disrespect to anyone specific
But if the shoe fits
Then you need to wear it
We need to change
To elevate
Only we
Can fix us

© 2012
All Rights Reserved

The Mistakes Are Mine

Blinded by my perceived greatness

Thinking I am greater than the retch I actually am

No need to answer for the sins I’ve committed

How have I been able to live this long being so wrong?

Looking in the mirror and the megalomaniac that is staring back at me is familiar

You’ve allowed me to have free reign so to speak….falling down and picking myself back up

But I keep stepping into the same traps time and time again

Stripping myself down!

Removing the weight of the burdens that constantly drag me closer to hell!

I want to walk in your name

I don’t have to lose the traits that make me….I know that now

A life consecrated to You..

© 2012

All Rights Reserved