This Dog’s Life

I’m tired of avoiding what looks back every time I stare in the mirror

Terrified to admit the reason why my love life is in shambles is due to my own whorish ways

Well there is still breath in this body of mine

Never too late to change

I’ve been in and out of kennels

Some even left me on the door step of abandoned animal’s shelters

Those who were foolish enough to try to take me home

I jumped over the fence and ran around terrorizing the neighborhood

When I tell you I’ve lived it’s not a game

My life has been anything but sheltered

Now I’m standing out here looking for some cover from the shit storm that has begun to rain

Not even me giving the sad puppy dog eyes will allow you to let me back in

All you can think of is the last time and how I refused to become house trained

If you look very closely you can still see the stains that I left on the carpet

The dirt that I’ve done remains, no matter how much scrubbing has been done

© 2012

S. Logan

Fragrance

I've tired to stay away
But every time I think I have finally broken free from her spell
I see her
My heart does things that it has never done with any other
Stay
This is the one God made for you...

Then I begin to second guess
Had this feeling before
All it lead to was hurt feelings and friends turning into enemies

Not with her

She is different

I can feel it in my soul

"Go to her"

I hear the voice in my head getting louder

I am edging closer

The magnet that is her won't turn me loose

Who am I kidding?

I wouldn't be able to escape even if I wanted too

This is....

This is.....

Where I am supposed to be 

I have reached the destination on my journey of love

Now we embark on another path

One as husband and wife.....

I take you be the latest, greatness addition to my life

(C) 2012

S. Logan

Coming From a Broken Home

I don’t have any memories of ma and pops dancing to old songs

Only thing I remember is moms crying

Wondering how she is going to raise a man on her own

We made it and times weren’t easy

Nobody said it would be

Looking back on it I am glad

Always had food on the table

Nice clothes on my back

Some of the gear I was rocking not even kids from two parent households had that

With a much respect as I have for my mother

I grew just as much anger and hate for my father…..

No to call him father would be an insult to me and all the others who actually are a part of their children’s lives

The ones that are more than just a check in the mail

I’m talking attending sporting events, musical recitals, parent teacher conferences

How could you sleep at night not knowing that something you brought into this world wasn’t ok

That’s not a man

And it’s not a woman’s place to teach a boy how to grow into manhood

Yet so many have done so

Black men my senior talk about how so few from my generation and under aren’t men

May because many moons ago you the original black men left your families to fend for themselves

Grand fathers, uncles, older male cousins and the new man in momma’s life stepping up to the plate

But where is the sperm donor at?

At somewhere ducking the state to avoid at least financing the life that he had a hand in making

But what good is the money?

Doesn’t you child deserve a little time?

I shouldn’t of had to watch you my father come into my life every 3 – 4 years stay around for a weekend just for you to disappear again

Do you have any idea the nights I cried?!

How I thought it was my fault?!

HOW I BLAMED MYSELF FOR YOU LEAVING US?!

I know it’s wrong

But I hate you so much

I can never truly be one with God as long as I carry this with me

And I pray everyday that one day I can forgive you…

You’ve done nothing to deserve it

Though in a strange way I feel sorry for you old man….

I really do

You signed the birth certificate and we share the government name but I promise I will never be anything like you

© 2012

Steve Logan

Heavy

Weighed down

By life and all that it has brought me

Success outweighs struggle

Triumph reigns over tragedy

Mind over matter

Love defeats lust….or that’s what I always tell myself even as I usually lean in the direction of the latter majority of the time

Look in the mirror

Face the man staring back at me

I can’t blame any of this on my father

Spent so many years hating him and now as twenty something year old I’ve become him

Repent

Pray for my soul

Bathe in the purest of waters

Here I am

On this snow and ice covered dark back road

Driving at breakneck speeds

With bald tires and bad brakes

Careening into an embankment

What now?

How do I get out of this?

Lord don’t forget your promises to me

YOU PROMISED ME

Don’t leave me now

Death

Rebirth

Alive

Heart pulsating in anticipation of what my new life will bring

So much has been given

But much more remains

The rain cloud has gone from my life

Now only sunshine is what's left

© 2012

Steve Logan

All Rights Reserved

Broadway

The say what doesn’t kill will make me stronger

My appetite for destruction is growing…not even the many suicide attempts can satisfy my hunger

Make up a couple excuses so a quack can give me the most powerful drugs they have

Something needs to kill the pain

Keep the over the counter stuff

With the life I live something with more punch is needed

Ya’ll still on that vicodin and percocet

I only worried about hydromophone

You got some??

Hold up hold up hold up

Is that the new fentanyl?

Grab the box and cover myself in patches

I should add some alcohol to the mix

Maybe I can drift off to a coma

Float into nothingness

Whatever it takes to get far away from this

I don’t call this living

Have you ever experienced what kind of thoughts self mutilation can provoke?

It’s not always the “I have to live a better life” speech we tend to give ourselves during gut check time

I could care less what they say about me in my life’s foot notes

You never knew how I used to go on lunch and breaks at work to snort coke

This is the real me!

Those who know me personally would be surprised that I’m depressed 90% of the time because they only the smile and hear me crack jokes

Swimming in a sea of despair…Lord grant me the strength to keep making the strong strokes

I would love to live…but is a little relief from the agony too much to ask

My bible tells me You can heal me….deliver me from my personal hell

I know I didn’t always praise you like I should but you know us sinners don’t call on you until we’ve fell

Self inflected wounds

What is one to do?

I keep praying and praying

Cover me in Your armor

Produce weapons to aid me in my skirmish

If order for me to be reborn my demons must be defeated….

© Steve Logan 2012

All Rights Reserved

The Fall

The ups

The downs

We try to make the square peg fit into the circle shaped hole

But to no avail

Hopeless romantics

Star crossed lovers

Too afraid of the single life to admit we’re not right for each other

We rise

We fall

Trying so hard to make things work

All resources have been exhausted

The battlefield is littered with casualties….of the war that we’ve raged on….soldiers of an unfortunate love

Playful back and forth morphs into hateful volleys being lobbed over the net

Stay

Or

Go

You call me a liar and say you will never trust me

Every time I break your wall down it seems like I do something else the very next moment to make you rebuild it stronger

Finger pointing

Let’s play the blame game

I feel as if you will always hold the past over my head

Evil, vindictive how can you take me back just to do me like this?

Brought back to life

Only to see the knife being shoved into my heart

Now we are at an end road

What to do?

We no longer know each other

Part of me wonders if we ever did

Well ummm

There’s a but

That’s not totally true

We both lied to one another

Chasing our tails

The dog has come back out to play

“Bark like a dog” *bark bark*

“Bark like a BIG dog!!”  *WOOF WOOF*

It was my decision to jump over the fence

Go out and roam

Serves me right that when I came back my house was torn down

Guess I pissed you off that much huh?

Reform project

This time the foundation of which we construct on will be stronger

I’ve changed

You can see it in my actions

But the divide is still there

Barriers continually in the way

I am sick and tired of you tearing me down and acting as if I should deserve it

How could you expect me to stay?

You keep treating me as if I am a nuisance to you…I’m no longer needed here so I begin to stray

Oh now you want me back

Telling me how you only argue with me so furiously because you have such strong feelings

If this is love then I would’ve lived a better life having not ever known it

Let’s call it quits….time for the union that we have to split

So it’s over

We go our separate ways

Delete friendships via the world wide web

And erase phone numbers

Though the smiles we shared and subsequent moans and swapping of lust still pop in my mind

You give me a feeling like I’ve never felt before

I exposed myself fully to you and only you… I knew I could trust you..you weren’t deceitful like those whores

I miss what we had

Even though it was bad

Guess that’s why I want it back…I’ve grown accustomed to be being sad

© 2012

All Rights Reserved

If I Die Tomorrow

Living everyday just like it's my last because tomorrow is not promised

I used to fear death and now I'm anticipating it....I'm just being honest

Every second spent on earth is one step closer to the afterlife

But I can't worry about that, right now I need to clog up this nose bleed as I skyrocket towards the apex

Teach my son a little more

Tell those close to me how much I love them

Lord I'm not ready to GO!

Though if you see fit to take me now, I only ask that it's fast because I bare a death that is slow

Soul is tortured.....is living really worth it?

I watch the clock go from 1159 to 1200

A new day.....as my eyelids become heavy I'm reminded of my life in it's entirety as I pass away

(C) 2012 All Rights Reserved

Name Game

She tells me I’m her dream man
The perfect guy
I tell her I’m just a mere mortal….. Knowing in the back of my head
This will not last
Eyes racing back and forth
As my attention can’t be held by one
I tell her I love her

Because I mean it
That’s why I will break this off
Suddenly
Not even leaving a “Dear Jane” letter
Its better this way
Rather than have her wait for other shoe to drop
I abandon her
Often say
I will be alone forever
Not by choice per say
But by stupidity
Subconsciously
I find a way to the nearest exit
My convoluted logic
Tells me it’s better
For her to hate me
Than for me to hurt her

© 2012
All Rights Reserved

Breaking Dawn

Sitting on this hill I see the sun peek over the horizon
Another day
Another opportunity
To be great
To erase
I bathe in sun light
Solar rays empower me
Give me the strength I need
To face a new beginning
It was well worth it traveling through the night
Mark my words on this day, I will reach new heights

© 2012
All Rights Reserved