Years of Tears (Hurt)

For as long as I remember I've hated myself
Even as a child, through my adolescent years and even into adulthood
The new found love I have is still not enough to keep the demons at bay
The depression seemingly comes out of no where
I want to break the face of the man in the mirror
I've worn a mask for years, it's called a smile
Even trained my eyes and contoured my face to keep up the lie
Now it's harder
Lord I'm so tired
I cry every time I get a private moment
I know life will get better eventually.....I don't think it can get any worse
Botched suicide attempts
Addiction to self destruction
Maybe the drugs will take me

Silently screaming

Help

Or just listen to me
Don't call me crazy when I tell you that my mental health is deteriorating

I'm broken inside
I fear my wounds have been open too long and are far too severe to be repaired

Tomorrow will be a replay of the same and I will place my armor on and keep fighting my demons......waiting for the trumpet to sound......the Calvary has arrived

(C) Steve Logan
2013

My Life

As I take a look at my life I’m not sure what to make of it

Recent events have given me hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train

For those who’ve thought that I was Superman there were wrong

Clark Kent has no hope of being faster than this locomotive

Battled addiction, depression and even fought God on the right path for my life

Crazy I know

But now I believe

I have peace of mind

Smiling bigger and brighter

Passed my trial by fire, I am battle tested but I know my days being at war for my soul are far from over

The devil keeps baiting the hook and there are times I honestly want to leap and grab the forbidden fruit

My life is not for the weak of heart

If you knew the thoughts that go through my mind

The things I’ve done behind closed doors, you may look at me different

Suicide is a lucid thought

Seeing myself swallow that bottle of pain killers

Envisioning myself hanging from the ceiling via a noose

I can still hear the click of the gun as it held it in my mouth with tears streaming down my face

The cocaine binges ensure that with each bump taken another year of my life is sacrificed

I was saved, put away to see another season

I was found on the bathroom floor and rushed to the hospital to have my stomach pumped

The beam which I hung myself from turned out to not be load bearing and I ended up on the floor

I lost at Russian roulette I thought but I really won in the game of life

And after a year of erratic behavior I finally got the help I needed in rehab

I am not perfect, nor do I clam to be

I refer to myself as a flawed individual created by an ideal being

My life has had it’s twist and turns

Moments where the audience stands up and clears

While also providing tear jerking scenes

I am sure some of the patrons have walked out on the show thinking they know how it will all end in tragedy

You would be wise to stay seated and pay close attention because soon the burst of light will become a solar flare that will fill the screen.

© S. Logan

2012

Daughters

She grew up watching her mother get mistreated

Saw how this strong woman accepted it

Always stayed with her abuser until they tired of her

Then it was on to the next combatant

A believer that a piece of a man is better than no man at all

These men would be her father figures

Even the real pappy came around every now and then, not to see her but to get his jolly’s off with momma

When he first arrived it was all love

He would fill her head with promises he had no intention on keeping

She would buy what he was selling

Then he would go into the room with mom

Blissful moans would fill the air for a few minutes

Then followed by snoring

Made her feel as if she would have her family back together finally

Knowing that the silence would be broken once he had awaken

Another argument

“DADDY DON’T GO!!”

She screams clutching his leg as he walks out the door

As she sits there face in her hands

She peers at mom out of peripheral vision

As she sparks another cigarette tears rolling down her face

Scrolling through her phone

Looking for another to fill the void of love she is missing due to never learning to love self

Some role model right

The years pasted

And this girl grew to be a young lady

Not confident and never received the love that her friends did from their parental units

Went out into the world and begun seeking it from others

The more you fight with her the more she foolishly thinks you care

I had the misfortune of crossing her path

But I didn’t take the bait

She told me I wasn’t worth anything and never spoke to me again

Sad really when you think of it

The sting from a punch meant love but the gentle caress of a hug she took for weakness and someone trying to pull a fast one on her

Could blame her parents but at this point she is way too old

At some point I pray she learns better

But after many trips to the ER to patch up her broken body I fear only the grave will show her the error of her ways 

No Love

I think about how what we had wasn’t the best I but it was perfect to me and I was good with it

Then we complicated the procedure with all the relationship

She was my best friend then we started screwing

Said it was just for the moment

The single life had beaten us both down

Tired of playing the games and wanted to satisfy sexual needs without the hassle of meeting someone new

Put it down so good on one another that the thought of officially being together slowly made its way into our minds

The door was open

What was once in the back of our minds had made it to the front

The first thing I thought of in the morning was her

And she thought of me

Sent “Good morning baby” text messages concurrently

No titles would be given

But sometimes you just want to feel like you belong

Not that you’re a possession, but more than just a piece of the puzzle

Initial attraction is always the catalyst

Eventually want to encompass all senses of that person’s affection

She got tired of the run around

Said I had forgotten our friendship

We no longer had deep conversations anymore

Just me kissing and undressing her as she talked about the ups and downs of her life

I had let myself get lost in the sauce

Downgraded her from one of my best friends to Miss New Booty

Obtained another notch on my bed post but the risk was higher than the reward

Now no love is to be found

Lost it all

Lost her…..

Lost my one true love…

-S. Logan

2012

Ordinary Love

Can’t even look you in the face

Don’t want to deal with the shame of what I let go

So I choose to stay as far away as possible

You always were my angel so the space is your halo

I could just say sorry, apologize for the wrong I’ve done

What would that do? 

You wouldn’t believe me anyway

Remember the last time that I could you this was the last time I was going to do you wrong?

I wouldn’t expect you to think this time I’ve changed

Still been keeping tabs on you through mutual friends that don’t treat me with distain due to the way I treated you

I admit both times I was a shell of a man

Love isn’t a game

Had no right to play with your heart

Wasn’t even worthy to hold it up

Hands got shaky

Blame it on the drugs they had me geeking

Nerves on the ends of my fingers started tweaking

One of the words most beautiful jewels in the palms of my hands

Many told me it resembled a precious ruby when held to the light

Wouldn’t you know I had to go and fuck things up just like I always do

Third time’s the charm but I’ll spare myself the disappointment I won’t try to invade what I am sure is now the fortress that is your heart

Shopping at the store of the ones who have had love and lost it

And everything in here is in my size

-S. Logan

2012

House Guest

Started out leaving by midnight so I could go home and change clothes

Next thing you know I am bringing overnight bags

Then you told me I could have a drawer

From the drawer I got closet space

Then next thing you know I am moving my own furniture in

Even put my name on the lease when it came time to resign

We shacked up a for a while

Then one Wednesday after work we made a trip to the courthouse

No family

No friends

Just us

We didn’t even change out status on facebook

We knew how we felt about each other, that’s all that mattered in the end

We had our ups and downs much like all relationships

However due to our already established friendship and trust in God we weathered through the storms Satan sent our way

As the years went on the love seemingly withered away like an uncultivated plant

Date nights became just like all the other nights…..lonely
Candlelit dinners aren’t as romantic when you’re staring at an empty chair

Just wanted a little of your time but now you’re out with the girls every night

Doesn’t matter if I need corrective lenses or not I can tell something is amiss here even with my hindered sight

I was starving for affection, craving love, missing the connection that was us

So much like most males I gave in, didn’t take much bait for me to lunge for the hook

With a bat of the eyes and a smile it rekindles a flame inside of me that I only thought you had the lighter to

Not accustomed to being unfaithful so I was sloppy with the evidence

Suppose I wanted to you to find out so I could quickly come clean about my dirty dealings

Couldn’t even imagine the look in your eye when you found out

Waiting for you to come home

Pacing the floor, looking at the ceiling

You walk in with a look of disappointment on your face

Then gave me a smile, the last sight I saw made it harder than the final curtain falling

Gunshot to my chest, now our home is my final resting place.

- Steve Logan

2012

Closing Statement

I’ve presented my case

Now it’s in your hands to have the final say on my fate

As I lay here in this hospital bed I am in a coma though my soul is overseeing it all

Sitting here on a cloud with the number nine carved into it

Pleading with the Lord

Asking him to stop going through the pages of my life with red ink

I know that I should’ve done more

I am aware that I had great potential inside of me but kept pushing it down because I was scared to step into the light

If you let me come back from the dead this time it will be different

What about my son?

He’s still a child I have so much more to teach him

If nothing else I could tell him about all my transgressions so he knows to not follow the same path of his dear ol’ dad

Father knows best my ass

Oh sorry, forgot I was sitting here with you Father

Speaking of fathers why did you have to make my biological one who he was?

I never walked a day in his shoes but I feel as if I am able to judge him in some way

Yes I am a lair, a cheat and have been known to be a junkie in certain circles

But at least I never walked away from my own

Don’t look at me like that please

You know I never imagined that you would disapprove of my life as a whole like this

Have I shamed you that much?

Do you wish you never created me?

Am I the fallen angel who haunts you?

Wings are given at birth it is up the wearer to keep them intact so that when they are called home to be with the King of Kings

As the feathers began to shed many years ago I ignored them and continued on with my foolish ways

Dirty deeds

Secret sin

Should’ve known better than to try and hide anything from you right?

So what’s the end game here?

Am I done?

Should I stop wasting my breath?

He looks at me

Shakes his head

Then says, “You bring up good points and I’ve blessed you to be a thinker besides death would be an easy answer to this solution…you have been granted a stay of execution”

- S. Logan

2012

Me and the Devil

We’ve had an unspoken pact it appears

I’ve mortgaged out my soul so many times I don’t even know who the current owner is

Real estate has been rented in my mind

No room for logic

My heart grows everyday attempting to overcompensate for my evil thoughts

I hear a faint voice telling me I can still break free

I hear the Holy Spirit calling me

Saying I can leave behind my ways

I can become one with my Father

I can be myself

No pretending

For I am accepted for whom I was created to be

Sin and all

I will fight my way out of the fortress of the devil

LUCIFER YOU CAN NOT CHAIN ME!!

I will mow down the hoards of minions you send my way

I will dig my way out of this hole

Lord throw me a life line

I am looking for a sign to let me know that you haven’t given up on me…..

I offer myself up to you

-          S. Logan

2012

Blue Skies

Sound of the alarm

Welcome to a new day

New voices listen up we got something to say

Concerned with being true to self

Not drawing the attention of the masses

Grind and making a new for your is the only task

In layman’s term get off your ass

We can all agree the world is dark enough

So be the light to help your people see

S. Logan

2012

Crescendo

I don’t want to waste your time anymore than I already have

I have no plans for you

I don’t know even know what I want in a woman

Let alone what to do with a good one like you

Stop waiting for me

I’m not worth it

I know this may hurt but nothing can compare to the years I’ve played with your heart

Release therapy

Addition by subtraction

After all this time of playing cat and mouse

Letting go of this sham what we call a love is our only course of action

Perhaps I should’ve made it official with you back then

Remember when?

We first met?

I wasn’t ready still had to get my whoring out of the way

Now I’m sitting here a different man today

Gone are my needs to always have a woman any woman laying in the bed with me

I’ve grown…but in all the time of just finding Ms. Fat Booty, I’ve neglected figuring out the traits that I want in a soul mate

My fault

My bad

You only wanted me for close to a decade

Now I am ready to turn my back on everything we’ve ever had

Don’t wait for me please

Turn and walk away

This time don’t look back……

-S. Logan

2012 

DMZ

We were better off staying on our own land
Had no business bringing relations into our relationship

Now lines have been blurred

Torn between fleshly needs and fighting to not give up the friend we’ve found in each other

Knowing that together we can never be

Due to my past….or should I say the people in it

Hey we’re both grown

Knew what we were coming to do

Could be something special on the horizon but I’m not the type to beg or force

We can keep it going

Do whatever you want

Keep having our occasional dinner dates

I’ll bring the grade A meat

You keep providing the sweet dessert

-S. Logan

2012

Rerun (Love Programming)

Keep flipping through channels but nothing new is on

Same ole shows

Same ole star…..me

I keep trading hearts in for new models like beaten down cars

I could care less about taking heed of how long the engine lasts

Not looking for 300,000 miles

I plan on racking up as many joy ride laps on this thing I can then discarding it

No worries

Call the tow truck

We got another

Let me turn in these keys

No need for them anymore

No need to be sitting here anymore

Time to get off my ass

Experience new things

Meet new people

My way is no way

Fuck this tv!

S. Logan

2012

Falling In Love with a Angel

You get me high

Make believe I have wings

Never had an experience quite like the one I have when I am with you

Everybody says you have control over my mind

They could never understand the bond we’ve forged

I’d do anything for you

Lie for you

Steal for you

Even got my ass whooped a few times for you

Hallucinations overtake my eyes

Mirages of you telling me to come near even when you’re not remotely close to location

Need a compass

A zeta beam can teleport me to your exact latitude longitude and we can pick up where we left off

Loving so good I had to get it in vials just to keep my cravings for you at bay when I can’t have you

Your joint is a killer

I want to dip my happy stick in you

…..Now it’s wet

Toe tag me baby

I’m down for the count

Numb in the proceeding moments following our encounters

Intoxicated

Staggering

Unsteady

Slurring my speech even

Friends asking me why eyes are bloodshot

The memories of you alone are enough to make me lose balance on command

Get it too good might have to call the EMTs

Remember last time?

I was laying in the middle of the kitchen floor having convulsions because you gave me a high dose of your love

Putting my hands on you

Normally I’m not aggressive but I don’t want you to go

Unusual type of love indeed

Nothing holy about it

You’ve just an account of addict

Angel dust

S. Logan

2012

Dirty Laundry

Love only works when both parties share it
All my life I was told it's ok for a man's eye to wander
Occasionally even sample
But they were wrong
Stepped out
Brought it home
Doctor gave her the results back
No she didn't get special delivery....the package
But my jumpoff came up pregnant
Kept the ultrasound photos in my pocket
Wifey found them while washing my clothes.....this is the end for her and I

S. Logan
2012

The Man Who Knew Too Much

Pride myself on being a man that knows what women want

How they like to be touched

Kissed

Caressed

Just what to say and when to say it

Which things in the bed will drive her crazy

Eyes rolling

Screaming so loud she’s lost her voice

Involuntary muscle spasms in the pelvic region

Legs begin to shake uncontrollable

What good that did me right?

I’m more alone than I ever been

Should’ve focused on a friendship

Before wasting someone’s time in another nowhere relationship

 God….

I know where I went wrong

……

I should’ve had You involved in this

S. Logan

2012

Intervention

So let me go ahead and admit this

I'm an addict

When it comes to you

You have me doing things that I've never thought I would

Taken me to places I've never imagined I would go

Even though you share a love....shared vows with him under God.....I can't stop

I've crossed lines that Satan himself wouldn't

But I don't plan on stopping anytime soon

You’ve got a hold of my soul

Maneuvering me in whatever direction you wish

I get the shakes

When I am away from you for too long

The smell of your perfume

Lingers on my collar

Reminding me of our latest rendezvous

I've got to get over this

Get you out of my mind

Though it's been many months since I've last had you....I still fiend 

S. Logan

2012

Silver Surfer

.

I am aloof

Mind in the clouds….well the cosmos to be exact

Feeling light

My shoes could have anvils bonded to them with cement and that still wouldn’t keep me

I am not made for the ground

I was meant for this life

To fly

Zip in and out of intergalactic wormholes

Dodging asteroids

Light speed feels like the pace of tortoise to me

Hope you enjoyed me when I was around

Told you I was ascending

Shooting through the glass ceiling that holds so many of us back

Going for the crown

Hope I made you smile more than frown

Should you happen to lay eyes upon me as an earth walker

Don’t even bother speaking

I am only here for to visit loved ones that remain world bound

I don’t want hear a sound!

You’re the reason why I left

Tired of the back stabbing, you laugh at me because I dare to do what you never had the courage to…

Stand out

Show out

Step out

Matter of fact I’m done talking to you

Let me hop on my board and shoot back up to space

You can keep all that “I knew you would make it” talk

Peace, I’m out

-          S. Logan

2012

Time to Heal

Let’s smile more

Get away from the sadness

Embrace happiness

Push away sorrow

We control our own moods

Outside forces will always be there

Life is never a perfect picture

There are often smudges covering the surface

Are you willing to look?

Don’t fret

God won’t put more on you than you can handle

Scars eventually heal

We learn to move more freely

Range of motion has returned

Never let depression dim your light

Continue to let the fire burn

-          S. Logan

2012

Human Roulette

We play this game over and over

The danger and the risk of it all make for better enjoyment

Not understanding the levity of the situation

A life sentence without parole is what we’re facing

Think about it

The we’re walking loaded guns safety off

We shoot sometimes we miss and other times we wounded ourselves along with others

Though you live after being shot….the bullet will forever course through your vain until you die

-          S. Logan

2012

Atonement

As the church bells ring
I exit my car
Parked in the closes spot I could fine
Though as my steps begin to fall in line, I notice the walk is actually quiet far
Lord I know I’ve sinned and You’ve forgiven me every time
I walk into Your house and feel like an outsider
As if I don’t belong
The congregation has all eyes firmly planted on me
Sentiment is that I don’t belong
We’ve all sinned or at least I thought we did
Guess this is a house full of saints and the sinner stands alone

-S. Logan
2012

Burial

You took all the burdens of our sins

Died so we could live

The ultimate sacrifice

It is a shame for so long that I looked at life as the process of dying

When I should’ve been enjoying it

Loving it

Praising You for it…

On this day when You were resurrected

We make sure to not lose sight of the life You gave for us

A day that it seems has been clouded with the almighty dollar

I stand as a loyal servant in Your army Lord

I crusade for you

-S. Logan

2012

Vow

Some call it destroy and rebuild

I prefer to say that I am reorganizing my life

May not be the person you used to know

But I am well on the way to becoming the man I am meant to be

Pardon me if I don’t associate with you anymore

It’s for the best that we keep our distance

You’re living off the success of the past, My spirit is a like a 401k I’m investing for the future

You talking about the bad chicks you hit in high school, I’m talking about being celibate until I marry my wife

You stay worrying about breaking the sound barrier, I’m training for life’s marathon

I don’t fault you too much

I used to be like you

The only difference is that I got my stuff together now

My life was once in a pieces then God handed me the glue

Selah

-          S. Logan

2012

Darkness

I go back into the dark corners of my mind

Reflect on how my soul wasn’t always tarnished and stripped of its luster

Once it was golden…..the shine was unlike anything you would’ve ever seen

Maybe I was naïve then

Living in my own world and not pay attention to real life

Asleep at the wheel

Mind is numb from everything

How do I even begin to gather my thoughts?

Coming to think of it, I don’t even remember how thinking feels

I was diving face first into the abyss….some days I wonder if I was better off doing so because it seems like I made this change in life too late to recover from all my sins

Father forgive me

You are a God of both forgiveness and second chances

I repent day after day

You tell me that is enough and I must now make my actions fit the prayers I speak

A life consecrated

-S. Logan

2012

Housewife of Saint Louis

It’s getting harder and harder to keep her a secret

Sending me naked pics while her papers lays sound asleep next to her

Telling me I should come through because she just sent him on another wild goose chase…..trying to find another token to show his love for her

I show my love with the vigor in each stroke

She tells me I can skinny dip in her pool

Normally I wear a life jacket but I got caught up in the excitement a time or two…..three…..TEN!

My test keep coming back clean

Nothing to worry about on that end

So we continue

It’s deeper now

We no longer have rendezvous of lustful sin

She tells me about how he no longer sleeps in the same bed

Showing me the text messages

He’s calling her everything but a child of God

Nope

I won’t say anything

Not my place dude

I am just the side dick

My duties only list two things:  lick and stick

Not always in that order

We’re doing it again

Turing on the air in this hotel room in the dead of winter

Sex so scorching that it would melt her wedding ring if she still bothered to wear it

“Oh that good”

Is all I can think laying here in this bed

Worn out……too tired to even scoot over so I won’t lay in the wet spot

I fall asleep and as usual when I awake she is gone

What’s this I see?   A note?

Something’s inside of it…

A pen?  No

A toothbrush?  No

Cylinder shaped container?  No

“Two lines means you’re the father…….Love *********”

-S. Logan

2012

Boomerang Effect

Seems like I’ve been here before

Well I have been

Too many times before

In the same situation

With the same person

…Maybe not the same person but she fits the model of the others before

Always falling for the ones that never end up with guys like me

Said I was done giving my all only to get nothing in return

I can be everything to one person

Instead I am here being one thing to every girl

Never was my intent really

Thinking I could dick them down good enough that they would give me their heart along with their bodies

No such luck…

Same movie….

Different co stars…

I am the constant in this cast

Just when I think the show is over

I’ve taken my last bow…NOPE

Encore after encore

However it seems I have finally outgrown this role

Fin

-          S. Logan

2012

Sprung in the Spring

Beautiful weather
Wonderful scenery
Sexy ladies
Brown skin as far as the eye can see
Looking so smooth....they must use that coco butter
Wish I was the one to lotion you down lil mama
Fresh out the tub
Pat you dry....hold up
I'm getting off topic
This is supposed to be about spring time
Sun dresses....
What?  That's springy right?
Yeah like I was saying
Hugging every inch of her frame
I see you girl.....I see it all
Love this time of year gonna hate to see it go away....but there is a plus
Sweater dresses and leggins in the winter and fall

(c) 2012

Dark Corners

Bright lights attract not only insects but can also bring unwanted attention to ones dirty deeds

Exposed for what we really are

Tales better left untold

Things you wish would’ve stayed in the closet

Now I walk around

I am forced to look at the ground

I feel judging eyes on me

Thinking to myself, “How can they judge me?” 

Then I realize if I was them I would be judging me

It was all good just a week ago

That was when I didn’t feel like the loneliest man in the world

Now I only have myself to look in the mirror and blame

-S. Logan

Hostage

I’m being held captive

A prisoner inside my own home

Trapped behind the bars that incarcerate me….inside my mind

My past refuses to let me escape

The structure of this box is unlike anything that an architect could imagine

All this time I’ve been yelling

DON’T BOX ME IN

Now I am in a box

Plans of escape prove futile

All I do in here is reminisce

Wonder how I got myself into this

Craving a countdown in the walls of my brain

Though I don’t know what I am counting down to

No chance of parole…..guess I am sentenced to death on the mental block

©

S. Logan

This Dog’s Life

I’m tired of avoiding what looks back every time I stare in the mirror

Terrified to admit the reason why my love life is in shambles is due to my own whorish ways

Well there is still breath in this body of mine

Never too late to change

I’ve been in and out of kennels

Some even left me on the door step of abandoned animal’s shelters

Those who were foolish enough to try to take me home

I jumped over the fence and ran around terrorizing the neighborhood

When I tell you I’ve lived it’s not a game

My life has been anything but sheltered

Now I’m standing out here looking for some cover from the shit storm that has begun to rain

Not even me giving the sad puppy dog eyes will allow you to let me back in

All you can think of is the last time and how I refused to become house trained

If you look very closely you can still see the stains that I left on the carpet

The dirt that I’ve done remains, no matter how much scrubbing has been done

© 2012

S. Logan

Fragrance

I've tired to stay away
But every time I think I have finally broken free from her spell
I see her
My heart does things that it has never done with any other
Stay
This is the one God made for you...

Then I begin to second guess
Had this feeling before
All it lead to was hurt feelings and friends turning into enemies

Not with her

She is different

I can feel it in my soul

"Go to her"

I hear the voice in my head getting louder

I am edging closer

The magnet that is her won't turn me loose

Who am I kidding?

I wouldn't be able to escape even if I wanted too

This is....

This is.....

Where I am supposed to be 

I have reached the destination on my journey of love

Now we embark on another path

One as husband and wife.....

I take you be the latest, greatness addition to my life

(C) 2012

S. Logan

Coming From a Broken Home

I don’t have any memories of ma and pops dancing to old songs

Only thing I remember is moms crying

Wondering how she is going to raise a man on her own

We made it and times weren’t easy

Nobody said it would be

Looking back on it I am glad

Always had food on the table

Nice clothes on my back

Some of the gear I was rocking not even kids from two parent households had that

With a much respect as I have for my mother

I grew just as much anger and hate for my father…..

No to call him father would be an insult to me and all the others who actually are a part of their children’s lives

The ones that are more than just a check in the mail

I’m talking attending sporting events, musical recitals, parent teacher conferences

How could you sleep at night not knowing that something you brought into this world wasn’t ok

That’s not a man

And it’s not a woman’s place to teach a boy how to grow into manhood

Yet so many have done so

Black men my senior talk about how so few from my generation and under aren’t men

May because many moons ago you the original black men left your families to fend for themselves

Grand fathers, uncles, older male cousins and the new man in momma’s life stepping up to the plate

But where is the sperm donor at?

At somewhere ducking the state to avoid at least financing the life that he had a hand in making

But what good is the money?

Doesn’t you child deserve a little time?

I shouldn’t of had to watch you my father come into my life every 3 – 4 years stay around for a weekend just for you to disappear again

Do you have any idea the nights I cried?!

How I thought it was my fault?!

HOW I BLAMED MYSELF FOR YOU LEAVING US?!

I know it’s wrong

But I hate you so much

I can never truly be one with God as long as I carry this with me

And I pray everyday that one day I can forgive you…

You’ve done nothing to deserve it

Though in a strange way I feel sorry for you old man….

I really do

You signed the birth certificate and we share the government name but I promise I will never be anything like you

© 2012

Steve Logan

Heavy

Weighed down

By life and all that it has brought me

Success outweighs struggle

Triumph reigns over tragedy

Mind over matter

Love defeats lust….or that’s what I always tell myself even as I usually lean in the direction of the latter majority of the time

Look in the mirror

Face the man staring back at me

I can’t blame any of this on my father

Spent so many years hating him and now as twenty something year old I’ve become him

Repent

Pray for my soul

Bathe in the purest of waters

Here I am

On this snow and ice covered dark back road

Driving at breakneck speeds

With bald tires and bad brakes

Careening into an embankment

What now?

How do I get out of this?

Lord don’t forget your promises to me

YOU PROMISED ME

Don’t leave me now

Death

Rebirth

Alive

Heart pulsating in anticipation of what my new life will bring

So much has been given

But much more remains

The rain cloud has gone from my life

Now only sunshine is what's left

© 2012

Steve Logan

All Rights Reserved

Broadway

The say what doesn’t kill will make me stronger

My appetite for destruction is growing…not even the many suicide attempts can satisfy my hunger

Make up a couple excuses so a quack can give me the most powerful drugs they have

Something needs to kill the pain

Keep the over the counter stuff

With the life I live something with more punch is needed

Ya’ll still on that vicodin and percocet

I only worried about hydromophone

You got some??

Hold up hold up hold up

Is that the new fentanyl?

Grab the box and cover myself in patches

I should add some alcohol to the mix

Maybe I can drift off to a coma

Float into nothingness

Whatever it takes to get far away from this

I don’t call this living

Have you ever experienced what kind of thoughts self mutilation can provoke?

It’s not always the “I have to live a better life” speech we tend to give ourselves during gut check time

I could care less what they say about me in my life’s foot notes

You never knew how I used to go on lunch and breaks at work to snort coke

This is the real me!

Those who know me personally would be surprised that I’m depressed 90% of the time because they only the smile and hear me crack jokes

Swimming in a sea of despair…Lord grant me the strength to keep making the strong strokes

I would love to live…but is a little relief from the agony too much to ask

My bible tells me You can heal me….deliver me from my personal hell

I know I didn’t always praise you like I should but you know us sinners don’t call on you until we’ve fell

Self inflected wounds

What is one to do?

I keep praying and praying

Cover me in Your armor

Produce weapons to aid me in my skirmish

If order for me to be reborn my demons must be defeated….

© Steve Logan 2012

All Rights Reserved